Do you expect the best of your spouse . . . or the worst? Do you think highly of their intentions . . . or assume ulterior motives?

This is the kind of question we are addressing with the next category in the inventory: positive and negative sentiment override.

Let’s say your spouse says, “You look really nice today.”

Basically, one of two things can happen.

Either you bask in the complement and the knowledge that your spouse notices you and cares about you. Or you could think, “What, did I not look nice yesterday?” One of these is positive, and one is negative . . . I’ll bet you can tell which is which.

Sentiment here has to do with the overall atmosphere of the relationship. And a negative sentiment override means that even a neutral statement, like “You look nice today,” is interpreted as a negative idea.

But a positive sentiment override can turn a neutral or even a possibly critical statement into a positive one. So, “Hey, I don’t really think that shirt works for you,” becomes, “Thanks for helping me look better,” or “My spouse knows that I care about looking nice and loves me enough to notice and care about that, too.”

When I work with couples that are experiencing a negative sentiment override, typically there are deeper areas of conflict that need to be worked out. But in the meantime, I encourage them to try this: I’ll ask them to pay close attention to the way they speak to each other throughout the day and work towards a 10:1 ratio between their positive and negative statements.

This knowledge is a powerful tool to explain where miscommunication and misinterpretations are coming from. With that knowledge, you can move forward assuming the best about your spouse and their intentions.