What if there were four things that would make or break your marriage? Four things that, if you got them right, were likely to put you on a path to a lifelong, life-giving marriage. Four things that, if you got them wrong, were likely to put you on a path to pain and heartache. Would you want to know what they were?
The first category in the BETTER TOGETHER Marriage Inventory is The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This category was developed by a leading researcher—and sort of a marriage guru—by the name of Dr. John Gottman. It takes a look at four patterns of interaction that make an incredible difference in the health of a marriage. These are the kinds of things that are helpful if you “fake it till you make it.” One technique I’ll even use with couples is called “Act as if,” where a couple will act as if they feel the way they know they want to feel. If you get these four horsemen right, you’re in great shape, but getting them wrong can lead to disaster.
So, let’s break down each of the four horsemen. The first is called criticism.
If you tell your spouse, “You never help clean the kitchen!”, you’re relying on blaming and finger-pointing to communicate—which often leads to hurt feelings and defensiveness. But there is a better way.
What if you said, “It’s really hard for me to keep up with all the work to get our house in order, and I could really use your help cleaning up the kitchen.” Now, instead of finger-pointing, you’re beginning with an expression of vulnerability, starting with your own needs and how they fit into your shared goals. You’re giving your spouse a chance to really hear you without feeling attacked and to respond out of loving care. Now the whole conversation is about fulfilling each other’s needs. I think it’s obvious which way of speaking is going to lead to a healthier marriage.
The second horseman is contempt.
You’re going to face difficult emotions and difficult times in your marriage. That’s just life. How you respond to those times can make or break a marriage.
Contempt is a form of personal attack as a way of dealing with difficult emotions and difficult times with bitterness or resentment. If you communicate with scowls, sarcasm, or even cynicism in these times, you’re showing contempt for your spouse.
Now, the absolute cure of contempt is respect. You simply can’t show contempt and be respectful at the same time. When you hold your tongue, refrain from that biting remark, and continue to assume the best about your spouse, you are showing a respect that helps endure and even thrive in the face of difficult times in your marriage.
The third horseman is defensiveness.
Defensiveness might be the simplest to understand, but the hardest to resist, of all the four horsemen.
You already know what defensiveness is: “It’s not my fault! You’re to blame!”
The solution’s tough, but if you really want your marriage to thrive, you have to be ready to look for any and every part of the difficulty that you might be responsible for, and you have to own that part. Even if it’s just 5% of the problem, when you own that and accept it, it opens the door with your spouse that defensiveness would otherwise slam shut.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling.
“I give up,” “I just can’t do this anymore.” That’s the sign of the fourth horseman. When the stress and tension of the relationship becomes so great that you just can’t fight anymore, you end up at stonewalling.
It’s sad, but it’s understandable. If you’ve got the first three horsemen, you’re likely to fall into the fourth. Emotionally shutting down is the last-ditch effort to protect yourself from a perceived threat.
But your marriage is worth fighting for. Your relationship is worth it. Taking a break—whether that means 5 minutes or even 5 hours—can make a world of difference. It’s going to be really hard to work towards a positive and productive resolution to conflict if you’re stressed and tense. So let the emotion pass, and then work together towards a healthier marriage.
We want you to have an incredible marriage. A marriage everyone else dreams of. By assessing these four areas, you’ll see the positive behaviors you’re already strong in, and the areas where you can improve. But remember, even if you have to fake it till you make it again, the right disposition in these four areas will lead to a great marriage.
